alex

today is my beloved friend alex nagler's birthday.  he would have been 33 today had he not passed through the transformation we call death, into the spiritual world. 

this journey that i am on right now, traveling across the huge united states of america would not be happening if he were still alive.  if he were still here i would still be in berlin living my berlin life, with him.  i would be spending time in steyr, austria, where he was born and i would be planning the future we had wanted together. 

but things totally changed when he transitioned.  at first i thought i would continue living in berlin, i thought i could still enjoy doing what i had been doing there, my shop, my band, my friends, my life....... but after a few months passed i realized that it was impossible. berlin is so full of history for me.  i had 3 major relationships during my 17 years of living in berlin and each relationship ended more dramatically then the last.  there are so many intense memories every where i go in that city and the weight of these memories and experiences was hard to handle at times and so i realized that it was time to move on, move forward and away.  time to get back to my roots, back to my blood lines, my earlier memories and reconnect with my past before europe.

i have mixed feelings as i sit here in starbucks (only here for the wifi) and remember the last three march 31st where i celebrated alex birthday, two with him, and one last year for him. i only knew alex for a short time and so only celebrated three birthdays with him, but i heard stories of earlier years where alex birthday-bash was announced on the radio in austria and 300 people showed up and the party went on for days, or the year that all the couches in the club house where dragged out into the yard and lit on fire and the year that the dj's music was aired live on FM4 radio... 

alex knew how to party and he loved to celebrate his birthday in a big way!!!  

i am sure many people in austria and germany remember these birthday-bash celebrations with great joy, and now with sadness like i do. i am filled with sadness because these birthday parties will never happen again like they did - but this day will always be a special day because it's the day alex came into this world to grace us with his presence.  it will always be bitter-sweet......happy and sad.......dark and light......

i know that everything happens for a reason and i do not believe in accidents so i know deep in my heart that everything, as it is, is perfect.  alex would want me to follow my impulse to move back to my homeland.  he would support me in following my heart to meet a new partner who i can spend my life with and perhaps someday start a family with.  he is supporting me in all that i do. he is walking with me as i move along my new path and i am thankful for the his loving support.